


The Road to Inquisition

by JamyCatalyst (OutcastPack)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Doubt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Guilt, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Murder, Orphan - Freeform, Regret, Remorse, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Subtle Romance, Survival, Survivor Guilt, Unrequited Love, flash backs, life story, story telling, tragic past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 01:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4983760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OutcastPack/pseuds/JamyCatalyst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scarlett Trevelyan, Inquisitor, Herald of Andraste, isn't even a Trevelyan! She is in fact Scarlett Voxx, a woman who stole a noble's name after escaping her past. Becoming the Inquisitor was an accident on her part, but one she plans to wield for the betterment of all of Thedas. This, however is not about her exploits as Inquisitor. No, this is about her long and hard past. This is about a young starving urchin who rises beyond all expectations. This is her story, and Varric is damned if he isn't going to get it from the horses' mouth!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Road to Inquisition

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I wrote this a few months before Inquisition came out, so there's some off bits here and there, I think I fixed most of them. I'll probably come back later and add more to this too, but for now this is all I have. By the by though, I'm writing a completely new DA Inquisition story too! If you like this you might keep an eye out for it? (Also the first bit is in third person but the rest is in first, I only noticed that when I started editing, sorry!)

_ _

 

_To help the story along I’m going to describe how my Inquisitor looks below._ **V**

Description: She has slash scar across her nose, a scar from her days in the Anderfels (Where she gets the nickname Scar from), she has beautiful long red curly hair she likes to wear in a long flowing pony tail, shining emerald eyes; she likes to wear dark red lipstick and eyeliner to make her look bad ass. She also has red roses tattooed all across her arms and upper chest, to cover the massive amount of scars she has from her childhood. She’s 5’7 tall, wears rogue armor, a family crest necklace, tan skin, and moderately muscular.

Human, Rogue/ranger.

**-X-**

**“The Road to Inquisition”**

  1. _The Teller and The Story:_



_-Knock knock-_

There’s a knock at the study’s door.

“Come in!” The Inquisitor calls.

In steps Varric Tethras.

The Inquisitor’s face lights up instantly, she smiles genuinely to see him. “Varric!”

“Inquisitor.” Varric addresses the girl with a moderate bow.

The Inquisitor smirks. “No need to bullshit the politeness Tethras; Cassandra isn’t around to scowl at your rudeness.”

Varric looks around carefully. “So she isn’t.” He instantly relaxes. “Thank the Maker; The Seeker must be busy talking with Lion Boy.”

The Inquisitor chuckles. “Cullen hates it when you call him that.”

Varric smiles as he goes to sit in the chair in front of the Inquisitor’s desk. “But you love it.”

“Yeah.” The Inquisitor replies wistfully, suddenly looking distant.

“Woah there!” Varric snaps a finger in the red head’s face. It wakes her up. “They must be putting too much paper work in front of you; you’re falling asleep eyes open.”

The Inquisitor slaps herself lightly on the cheek. “Yeah,” She lies easily. “That must be it.” After a moment of silence, the dwarf trying to look innocent in front of her, the Inquisitor side eyed the archer. “You need something? As you said, Cullen and Josephine have stacked about a miles worth of paper work on my desk.” The Inquisitor motions to said mountains of paperwork on her desk.

“Well,” The dwarf starts. “I thought maybe you might want to take a break. And I was free….”

“And I owe you a story.” The Inquisitor cuts him off, grinning.

“Exactly! As you know, I’m a collector and teller of stories. And I’ve pretty much been through the Keep, got everyone’s life story out of them.” He explains.

“Even Iron Bull’s?” She asks, surprised.

“Yes, painfully so.”

The Inquisitor laughs. “So,” She leans back, arms folded behind her head now. “What do you want to know?”

“Well for one, your name.” He says, and just as the red head opens her mouth, he continues. “And I mean your real name.”

She gives him a look. “So you’ve heard.”

“Yep.” He nods.

The Inquisitor sighs. “Very well. My name is Scarlett, which you know. It’s Scarlett Voxx.”

“And the nickname Scar?” He questions.

“Easy, from the scar on my nose, plus it’s a shortened version of Scarlett.” She explains.

“So it’s true then, you’re really the _Bloody Heir_?” Varric concludes.

Scarlett sighs again and nods. “Unfortunately.” She pauses. “I hope you’re not here to get the story about that.”

Varric shakes his head and hands. “No, not at all! Just the uncut adventures of Scar the Inquisitor.”

Scarlett raises a red brow. “They’re not really adventures, it’s kinda just my life, and it’s not so grand.”

“I heard you protected the elven alienage during the Blight in Denerim. Is that true?” He asks; Scar nods slowly. “You lived with the Dalish for two years?” She nods again. “Fought in Amarathine under the Hero of Ferelden?” She nods one last time. “I certainly wouldn’t call your life boring.”

“You can call it painful then….and hard. I’ve just been trying to survive and do the right thing….like I promised I would.” She clarifies as well as she can to the dwarf.

“Promised? Promised who?” He questions, tilting his head.

“Falline.” Scarlett instantly replies. “She was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a mother.”

Suddenly, when Scar looks back up, Varric is holding a chalk writing utensil and cloth paper; it makes the red head jump a bit in her seat.

“I want all the details.” He says, grinning.

Scarlett smiles and laughs under her breath, of course he’d want all the gory details. “Alright, I guess I should start from the beginning?”

The dwarf nods. “It would be for the best.”

“Well, the latest memory I have as a child was when I was four.” Scar stops and glares at the disappointed look on Varric’s face. “What? You were expecting me to start with: _‘No shit, there I was.’_?”

Varric shrugs. “All the best story tellers do.”

Scar sighs.   


  1. _Childhood, the Anderfels, and the Apostate:_



_“When I was a child I lived in a small village in the Anderfels.”_

The mountains rose high in the setting, snow almost always blanketing the ground. Sun set, sun rise, no matter what time of day the village barely ever got any sun light. Villagers called the upper part of town Skystead and the lower part of town Black Hollow. But the village itself was named Thralkeld; after the mountain it rested upon.

_“The village was made up of a tavern called; The Lazy Whistle and-“_

**-X-**

“Who names a pub _‘The Lazy Whistle’_?”

“I don’t know! That place was like fifty years old! Do you want me to tell the story or not, Varric?”

“Right, continue.”

**-X-**

_“There was The Lazy Whistle, a farm, some houses, and a Keep. It was Chancellor’s Keep, and built like a castle. It sat at the very top of Skystead, casting a shadow onto the rest of the village.”_

The shadow created a great gloominess about the place, when you visited you would feel an overwhelming sadness or desperation to get home. However, when you lived there you felt depressed to the bone and like clawing your own skin off. It was always cold and dark, dank and reeked from the stable of horses at the farm. No one was ever happy.

_“It wasn’t easy for me. Abandoned at the age of three, I lived in this town for nearly ten years. The earliest memory I have of this village is when I was four; there was a very old dwarven woman by the name of Kelavia Cadens. She was casteless I imagine, living in Black Hollow alone as she did. She took care of me like a grandmother would her grandchildren; her warm smile is my first memory, everything before that is fuzzy. But when Kelavia died, when I was six years old, I was left completely alone.”_

The memory of it snowing comes to my mind. It’s cold and the hay in the barn, along with a newborn foal, is the only thing keeping me warm. My skin is pale and thin, the clothes I wear are dirty and torn, the only place I can bathe and have water to drink is lake Wrofyns down the mountain. But the walk is a long one, and I barely have the energy to beg for food or coin.

_“There were some kind villagers with coin and food to spare, but they were few and far in-between and they had bad days too. Most villagers, if they saw me begging, would rather give me a good whipping instead of food. One becomes accustomed to abuse when given to it frequently enough. But there was one such soul who said to me; ‘give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for life’.”_

His name was Martus Theron, they called him Old Mart. He was a hunter and a good one. The man was getting on in his years and had many apprentices. They would hang on his every word, as he would tell them his life story over and over again. Old as he was he was strong, but also wise and kind; his apprentices however, not so much. They were each waiting for him to teach one of them his final secrets, as he said he would teach one of them to be a master hunter before he died. But really, that’s not what he said. He said: ‘I will teach whoever truly needs it the art of survival.’

**-X-**

Varric stares at me, an expression of _‘oh really?’_ on his face.

“What?” I give him a confused look.

“You’re making this too easy, Scar.” He replied, shaking his head.

“Is my story that see-through?” I ask disappointedly.

The dwarf nods, I sigh.

**-X-**

_“Martus announced one day, in the center of Black Hollow square, that he would be choosing a person to teach his final lessons too. Everyone thought it would be to his apprentices, but he went looking all over town, including his apprentice’s houses. He watched people going about their day….then he saw me. I was eight years old and hanging on by a thread.”_

Usually on cold days I would be at the farm, the farmer there allowed me time with the animals, keeping them happy and calm, in exchange for permitting me to sleep in the barn with them. I’ve always had a way with animals, wild or otherwise. But I was as curious as anyone else who Martus would pick, and I was hungry. I thought I might do two things at once, watch the unfolding of events and beg for food.

_“I was begging a woman for a slice of bread, she carried a basket full of loafs and was….plump herself. But instead of kindly telling me away she went to slap me, but her arm was caught mid-swing, and there Serah Theron was, holding her arm as he told the woman off for thinking about hitting a starving urchin. The woman still refused to give up her food but left without a struggle. I remember Martus’ old kind gold eyes well.”_

‘How long ago since you ate a full meal little one?’ Martus asked, holding his hand out to help me up. I kept my head lowered, fearful I would say something wrong and he would strike me as all the others did.

‘Many weeks, Serah.’ I replied in a weak and scared voice.

He smiled, holding my hand tightly. ‘Then I will teach you how to hunt, so that you may never go hungry again.’

**-X-**

Varric raised a brow.

“Sorry my life story is so predictable.” I grumble, arms crossed.

“Oh no, not at all. Although,” He pauses dramatically. “If you could speed up a bit and get to the action-y parts that would be great!”

I pout at his words.

**-X-**

So for the next year Martus teaches me how to hunt, so that I might live without begging. He dies months after our last lesson. But because of his kind act, his apprentices and the families of his apprentices began to hate me, and without him around they turn my life into a living shit fest.

_“Abuse from the villagers is now a common courtesy, and I hide at the farm to stay away from them, or at least I try. They stalk me, berate me, and hurt me, at every turn. It’s on one of the worst days I meet…her. The woman I made that promise to; Falline.”_

It’s the grown sons of the three apprentices that attack me that day, as I was going to buy more string from the tavern. I cannot retaliate; for fear that there would be more ammunition against me. So, I just take it, like I have all my life. But then a beautiful woman appeared, dressed in robes of blue that match her incredible starlight eyes.

‘Stop! Stop! I command you bastards to stop!’ Her voice echoes and even though it too is beautiful, at the moment it was full of hatred and fury, it was terrifying. The boys vanish, fearful of this woman and who she might or might not be. I am on the ground, bleeding, she kneels before me and touches my cheek ever so gently. I have not felt so comfortable with someone since Kelavia died. ‘Are you alright child?’

_“I am nine years old and struck speechless. This woman is beautiful, clean, her skin fair, and she has the most amazing soul. Her entire being is made of brightness, a magnificent presence that no one could possibly ignore. I am in awe and the very first thing I say to this woman is how beautiful I believe she is. And when I hear her laugh and smile I feel warm all over.”_

‘You are very kind child. What is your name?’ She asks, her dark silk hair draping across her shoulders as she tilts her head. I tell her I am Scarlett, though most call me Scar. She asks why and I point to the deep red scar perfectly across the top of my nose. When she asks how I got such a thing I shiver. At seven years old you are not strong enough to fight against guards, I learned that the hard way. I was just lucky no one had taken my virginity yet. But looking as I did, being dirty, smelly, and nothing but bones, helps to dissuade them. ‘You are an orphan then?’ I nod to her and she gives me such a sympathetic smile.

‘I lost my family when I was young as well. My name is Falline.’ She helps me up and dusts off my shoulders. ‘And you will be coming home with me.’

_“I wonder what she means by such, no one but Martus and Kelavia had ever offered me true kindness. So I confuse easily in the face of it. However, things become clear when she takes me to a nice house in Skystead. It is warm and filled with paintings of flowers. She bathes me, feeds me a big warm meal, gives me new clothes, and puts me to bed. I sleep there and wake up three years later. Three years of bliss, happiness, and warmth. Falline allows me to continue hunting, and I feel an urge to stay in shape just in case my world comes tumbling down again. It’s in the forest I usually hunt in, two years into our life together, I learn something.”_

It is bear season, and usually this would not concern me. Neither bears nor wolves have ever bothered me, but Falline wished to accompany me that day. She was in no way a hunter, her steps were loud and clumsy, but she wished to paint a landscape as she does. So I let her and as I checked the last trap of the day I feel heavy warm breath on my back. The roar comes after I turn around, knife at the ready. But I was only eleven years old, and the bear was much bigger than I. I do not scream when its claws come down on me, scratching deeply into my chest, pain was an old friend of mine. But when I hear Falline scream, utter terror turns my veins to ice.

_“She screams my name louder than I have ever heard anyone shout. You never expect to hear someone with such true horror in their voice, or for it to sound like that. It scars just as deeply as any physical wound, even today I can still hear her screaming in the back of my head, it echoing in my skull.”_

Before the bear can take another swing it freezes.

**-X-**

“Freezes?” Varric asks, confused. “Why does the bear stop?”

“No, I mean…” I shake my head and try to figure out how to explain what I mean. “I mean he’s frozen, covered in ice, literally.”

“Wow, I know you said it was cold but-” I cut Varric off.

“With magic! Maker, Varric!” I rub my head as I shake it more vigorously.

“Oh!” He pauses. “OH! Falline’s an apostate?”

I nod.

**-X-**

_“It’s not too much of a surprise, not really; and when Falline runs to me, catching me before I fall over, I feel sorrier for the bear than myself. She’s not the best healer but she gives it her all, and I think she was scared I would fear her after I found out she was an apostate. The look she gives me is one of insecurity, a deep unsure feeling glistening in her eyes. But with my last bit of strength I hug her, as tightly as I can, this woman is like a mother to me, and should never feel unsure of my love for her.”_

She takes me back to our home in Skystead and bandages me up. Falline cooks me soup, and waits hand and foot on me until I am healed, as much as that pains me; the night after the incident I ask her to tell me about her magic. She weaves a grand tale about how she was born in Ferelden, her father a Redcliffe guard in the castle. Her family was close and strong, and the day she discovered she was a mage she was not afraid to tell her mother and father. It pained her father to send her to The Circle, but she understood.

Behind the Templars backs, her father would send her letters with some silver in them. Each week she would save the money and put it in a coin purse. Then one night, after years of training, she felt save leaving the Circle. She used a distraction and fled the tower, after that she transformed into a fox and traveled to the Anderfels. With so much money it was easy for her to find a house, but she told me, with a kiss on my head, that the house did not become a home until I began to live in it with her.

_“It’s two years later, I am thirteen and strong, that even Falline is taken from me. She thought she would be safe in Thralkeld. There was no chantry there, no Templars, yet they find us.”_

**-X-**

It’s been over ten years, but even thinking about that day still brings tears to my eyes. No one has ever replaced Falline, and my heart is still cold from her death.

Varric is looking very solemnly at me. There is concern deep in his eyes.

I wave him off and recompose myself.

“It’s not a weakness to cry Scar, no matter what the others have told you.” He says very seriously.

I shake my head. “She wouldn’t want me crying.” And in answer to that, Rune; my pet fox and longest companion, jumps onto my desk and puts his face on my chest. I pet him back.

**-X-**

_“The Templars search the village, I see them when I go for more hunting supplies, not that Falline lets me hunt as much anymore. I thought I could outrun them, get to the house before they find Falline, but when I get home they’re pulling her away in chains.”_

It’s cold, colder than ever before, the day they take her away. I scream at them to let her go, but they push me away and ignore me. ‘Please!’ I beg them. ‘She is all I have!’ Falline warns me away, but I refuse to give up. The last five years with her have been the happiest years of my life, and I want them to continue, I want them to last forever.

_“They are not there to take Falline back to The Circle. Instead they take her down to the square in Black Hollow; where they decapitate her in front of all of Thralkeld.”_

I follow them down to Black Hollow, and I don’t understand why they chain her up at the square. One Templar tells me I have a minute with her before they end it. I don’t understand what they mean, but Falline ignores his words and beckons me over. She tells me, with her starlight eyes glistening with tears: ‘When I look into your eyes I see the soul of someone with a magnificent destiny. Don’t ever give up Scarlett, keep going, find that destiny, the life you deserve, and make me proud!’ I can tell she wants to put her hands on my cheeks as she does so often, but this time I hold her face in my palm and try to be strong for her.

_“The moment they break out the axe I understand. A Templar holds me back as I kick and shout. Falline yells to me; ‘Don’t look, close your eyes Scarlett!’ But I watch anyway. The moment her head rolls away and the Templars bag it up, I scream, with every feeling of sorrow and hatred in my heart, I scream. Before I even have time to truly morn, villagers are pointing fingers at me, they say I’m a demon and Falline was a blood mage controlling me. For the first time in my life I know what it truly feels like to have a blood lust. I wanted to kill them all; the villagers, the Templars, the guards, all of them. I wanted to blame her death upon them and take revenge. But I wasn’t strong enough, so I ran.”_

I ran as fast as I could down the mountain. With nothing but a dagger, some hunting gear, and the coin Falline had given me to keep for a rainy day, I ran. It was a year’s journey, all the way to Ferelden, where Falline was from, to look for the destiny she thought I deserved.

  1. _A fox, a Keep, the Dalish, and a Warden._



_“After leaving the Anderfels I had a hard time staying alive. There are not as many villages in the Free Marches as there are in Ferelden. So I had to use my gear scarcely and when I would run into merchants along the roads I would only barter for more hunting gear. Usually I would pay them with pelts or herbs, things I could not eat. I saved my coin for, what I knew, would be an expensive ship to Ferelden. It took me a year to make it, and during that time I was reminded of my younger years, when I was nothing but a street rat. But I was a strong and resilient girl at the age of thirteen, and the sadness of Falline’s death and loneness was all that ate away at me.”_

It was when I was half way through the Free Marches that I met my newest companion. I was in a forest, having learned it was safer to camp there then near the roads, when a stranger came to my aid. Darkness had already fallen, it was a full moon and I had lit a fire. In the fire I was roasting what little meat I had. When I look back on it now I feel like a fool, there had been a drought going for some time in the area. Food and drink were scarce for the animals that lived in the forest. So when the wolves smelled the meat they came to my camp.

_“With my skills I can usually calm them so they will not attack. But these wolves were hungry and extremely feral and would not listen. They came snarling, growling, and ready to strike. There were five of them and all I had was a little dagger at my side. I felt a knot in my gut, the thought that this would be the end of me on my mind. Yet, before the wolves’ lunge, I hear the forest ripple. It is the sound of something running, and like a force, a flash of red runs out from the trees, leaps over the wolves like it was nothing, and lands at my side. The little devil stops at my feet and turns to face the wolves with me, growling. And it is this small heroic red fox that dissuades the wolves and sends them running away.”_

**-X-**

Varric looks at Rune disbelievingly. The red fox lays on my desk, not even disturbed by his appearance in my story. “Him? Really? He scares off a pack of hungry wolves?” Varric questions.

I nod and smile, petting the soft and smooth red fur under my hand. “Yep, I couldn’t believe it either.”

“Well, damn, remind me not to get on his bad side.” Varric states; just looking at Rune with awe.

**-X-**

_“To show my gratitude to the fox I give him some of my meat. I thought after all that he would leave, but no, that night I find him curled beside me as I sleep near the fire, as if he decided to protect me. Even the next day, when I hit the road again, he follows me. Oddly, I feel warmed by this fox’s sudden decision to accompany me. I had been so lonely for so long and now I wasn’t.”_

I find a small scar that looks like markings on his right hip. Because of that I name him Rune, and he approves. With him by my side I finally reach a city next to the ocean, I find a ship setting sail the next day, and pay to board. The ship is a pirate vessel but the captain was a woman, and after she heard my story, was more than happy to give me a hand. Kindly, after the long trip upon the seas, where I showed the captain how strong I could be, she gives me a blade of my own. She even gives me a few pointers before she lets me off at the docks in a small village in Ferelden. I am fourteen when I finally make it to the country Falline was born in, and I feel so much better being there.

**-X-**

“Was the captain of that ship’s name Isabella, by any chance?” Varric raises a brow and leans forward.

I think back, trying to remember the beautiful woman’s name, the one that said her husband had been killed by an Antivan Crow only weeks prior. When I remember I nod. “Yeah, and the ship was The Siren. Why, do you know her?”

“Rivani was the woman who stole that book from the Qunari, the ones that tried to take over Kirkwall. She and I were good friends of the Champion’s, and we were good friends ourselves. I….missed her after she left, took that damn book with her too.” Varric explains, finally telling me a bit about his past instead of the other way around. He looks distant and sad when he says this, and I don’t ask anything further.

**-X-**

_“With Rune and my new blade I look to start a new life. It is in Highever where I do so. I hear the Cousland’s are looking to train new guards for the Keep. I wonder if I am too young, but I have seen younger lads being trained to be guards, so I go for it. When I first show up, the Commander of the guards is there, as well as teryn Cousland. The Commander sneers at me, but Cousland looks at me with interest. I show both of them what I can do with a blade and without really even watching, the Commander dismisses me, but Cousland says I can stay. The two fight about it until the teryn gets his way. As a guard in training I get to live in the barracks and eat with the other guards. But one day Cousland comes to me.”_

As a guard we’re trained with sword and shield, I am allowed to keep the sword the pirate captain gave to me and I keep my dagger hidden. Although most give me odd looks when they see Rune on my shoulder, I do not care. On days I train he either plays in the courtyard or stays in my bed, sleeping like a cat. The trainee uniforms are hot and itchy but still better than the rags I had been wearing. Literally, the only thing I have left from my life before is the strange crest necklace I was given by Kelavia when I was very young. She told me it held my family’s secrets, and while there were days I was tempted to sell it, there was always something keeping me from doing so, like some lost memory.

On the day Cousland comes to me I am exhausted and hungry. The Commander pushes me harder than anyone else. I am the only female trainee, but there are women among the guards at the Keep, so I do not understand his distain towards me. We’re done for the day and I just want to eat, but before I can reach the small dining room for the guards, Cousland finds me and invites me to eat with his family. I am shocked to hear him ask me that and scared at the same time, I try to refuse but he would not hear of it.

_“The noble’s dining room is huge and grand, I felt very much out of place there. Cousland introduces his wife, and then his daughter and son. At that moment I had no idea Brenan would become a Grey Warden and save Ferelden from the Blight, although truly it does not surprise me. But when I heard about the death of the teryn and his wife, I felt as if another piece of my heart had been taken. I felt guilty that I had left Highever; I thought perhaps I could have saved them had I still been there. The truth is though that I could not have. But that day Cousland admitted he allowed me into his guard because I reminded him so much of his daughter. I told him I was honored to hear that, which made Brenan laugh. She said that I was much more polite than her and really to be like her meant more along the lines of being reckless and clumsy. So really it wasn’t much of a compliment.”_

The youngest Cousland was kind and funny. She was in fact clumsy, but also very swift and strong. Brenan was loyal and held strongly to her beliefs. Her dream was that one day she could protect her family with her own two hands, and earn her nobility through heroic acts. But she also loved to play tricks on people, with the help of her mabari she messed with the cook quite a bit, always letting him into the larder while that old woman wasn’t looking. On days when she wasn’t seriously training to be her father’s daughter, she held youth in her hands.

_“The teryn was interested in my story, he was curious about my scars and where I had come from. When I told him and everyone else at the table, the atmosphere changed. Brenan, with her beautiful blue eyes and short light brown hair, looked at me with such sadness. I told them not to pity me, for my past had made me strong, and I would never change it. Of course, that was a lie, to a degree. If I could I would have killed every single one of the Templars that took Falline away from me, but that’s about it. After that night Brenan would sneak into the barracks and ask me to do things with her often. Very few times she would ask me to the tavern in the town, we would go and I suppose…watch the older men. She became like a sister to me, and after my three years of training, when I told her I was leaving she begged me to stay.”_

After finding something of happiness again, the teryn asked me why I was leaving. I told him that being a guard did not feel like my destiny, but the training was truly what I needed. It was hard and rigorous and pushed me to become stronger. Although I did not like the sword and shield style of fighting, it was still useful to know. The hardest part was leaving Brenan. I have never gotten the chance to truly say goodbye to anyone I’ve ever cared about, and I do not think I had the strength to look her in the eye and leave her, so I left under the cover of night.

It was easier to travel through Ferelden, there were more merchants going back and forth from villages and more villages to stop in. In one village there is a request for a bodyguard on the board next to the Chantry. I take that request and guard a noble woman as she travels home. This is what I do for another few months, be a sword for hire, until it becomes evident that this too is not my destiny. Unbeknownst to me I earn a bit of a reputation, they called me the Bloody Fox.

**-X-**

“Wait, wait, wait.” Varric stammers, waving his arms for me to stop. “You’re the Bloody Fox? The Ferelden who took down a pack of Antivan Crows? I mean, I knew you were The Shadow back in Kirkwall, but you’re the Bloody Fox too? Makers breath, you might be worse than Hawke!” Varric rambled exasperatedly, shaking his head.

At his words I sigh and cross my arms. “That was a rumor; it was only two Antivan Crows! The noble woman who I guarded liked to make it sound as if I saved her from an army! I was just doing what I was hired to do, yet still I found trouble. That _harel’asha,_ she just made everything harder for me. With a rumor like that over my head I had to lay low for a while, practically every one with a blade wanted a go at me!” I yelled, waving my arms in the air as I feel the fury from that time echo again through my body.

Varric looks a bit disappointed, but then he looks confused. “Was that elven you just spoke?” He asked, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes at me.

I nod, crossing my arms again as I cool down. “Yes, I’m about to explain about that. So, let me get back to my story, eh?”

Varric gestures me to continue.

**-X-**

_“I needed a place to lay low for a while. The excitement of getting chased by mercenaries day after day gets old quick. It was good training but also far too dangerous for me to allow it to continue. So, I head into the forests of Ferelden. I camp there for a week, just me and Rune, before trouble springs up again.”_

It’s raining that day, as I remember it. The forest is dark and damp, and I am drenched and shivering under a blanket near a fire. All I have is a bed roll, no tent, so the rain is my only enemy at that moment. Rune tries to keep me warm, but it is the colder season within Ferelden, and I have a feeling I’ll become sick soon after this. But I would rather weather a cold than more men trying to kill me. So I stay put and listen to the rain and the birds, that is until I hear screaming.

_“I leap up and run towards the screaming. Not far away I find a young elven girl being chased by a spider. Although, I myself am not fond of spiders, I ran to her aid none the less. I still have my sword from the captain, or Isabella as you reminded me, and strike at the creature. My form is better than it used to be, and I am much stronger. I am sixteen years old and a fighter by nature. As I thought, the spider is an easier opponent than fighting an Antivan Crow, so I take it down in a few strokes. The elven girl is frightened, not only of the creature but of me. Rune calms her, he runs to her and makes her laugh, than he runs to me and sits back on my shoulders. When she sees that I treat Rune with compassion she is not as frightened. I tell her I wish to take her back to her clan where she will be safe and I promise that is all I will do.”_

I keep my promise, and then I am greeted with bows and arrows in my face. I know of the Dalish and understand why they dislike humans. But I feel that if I give them no reason to they will not hurt me. I’m proven right when the girl runs to the clan’s Keeper and tells her who I am. After that the Keeper signals for the archers to calm themselves. Her name is Keeper Marethari, and she gives off an aura of wisdom and peace. She gestures for me to come to her and so I do.

 

_“Marethari is grateful I rescued one of the clan’s youngest, and wishes to offer me something. I tell her she doesn’t have to give me anything, knowing the child is back where she belongs is enough for me. I think Marethari is a little taken aback at the sincerity of my words. When I sneeze, loud enough to shake the tree’s, I think the whole clan jumps. Marethari sees how sick I am becoming and offers me a warm and dry place to rest. To that I say how grateful I would be to feel dry and warm.”_

The Keeper asks me many things when we get out of the rain. I feel apprehensive gazes on my back, but I try to exert a peaceful nature from my very core. I tell the Keeper why I was in the forest and how long I was here alone. She’s surprised that I chose to be here instead of in another city, but with Rune at my side she sees how attuned with the forest I am. I feel comfortable and welcome around Marethari, and I feel bold when I ask her if I could stay here, with her clan for a few weeks. I promise to help hunt and cook, pull my weight, as long as I was allowed to be among them. Marethari says that she sees true kindness in my soul, and perhaps the presence of a truly good human would help alleviate some of the hatred her clan held for my kind.

_“I ended up staying with her clan for almost two years. They taught me a new way to hunt, stealth, herbalism, and some of their language. The tattoos I have were even carved onto my skin by a Dalish. She was…important to me. Her name was Nolaris. The roses on my skin were to memorialize Falline, as they were her favorite flower, but the thorns and vines remind me of Nol.”_

 Nolaris was the older sister of the young girl I saved, and at first she hated me. But there was something about her; I just could not stay away from her. She was beautiful. She had golden eyes and honey like hair, she moved with grace and precision. Nol was an artist among her people. She carved, painted, tattooed. And she was amazing at her craft. Little by little, I chipped away at her hatred for me. I made her food, caught meat for her family, and gave her the best furs I could find. When I finally asked her to do the _vallaslin_ on my skin, she seemed to enjoy my presence. We spoke as she drew the roses on my arms and chest, I told her about Falline and that this was for her and to cover the scars the villagers of Thralkeld gave me. She called me a _len'alas lath'din_ , and I knew what that meant and I told her I was.

When I said that Nol cried, she declared her hatred for all humans for treating even their own that way. All humans except the _len'alas lath'din_. Nol finished her master piece upon my skin and then took me in her arms and held me. No one could see us where we were, not unless her little sister appeared in their tent. This was the first form of affection Nol was willing to give me. And week by week, as we spent more time together, our appreciation for one another grew. When I felt the time was right I called her _emma lath_ and she kissed me passionately, but still we were alone when this happened. It was not long after that our love grew and we began to….become more physical with one another. She was even my first, and it was an experience I will never forget.

_“One day I ask Nol when we will share our love with her clan. But she scowls at this. She declares that our love is to be a secret forever, otherwise we will be exiled. Nol knew this was not a big deal to me, but she would never risk her place among her people. She thought our love was forbidden, a thing people would deem ugly because we were not of the same race. I understood but that did not mean it did not hurt me. Little by little, it felt like our love was becoming fake. I wondered if Nol always thought our love was an ugly thing, and it pained me; hurt me so deeply, I could not look her in the eye anymore.”_

**-X-**

“Forbidden love! Oh! That’s good stuff!” Varric shouted excitedly as he wrote my tale of woe down, wiggling in his chair like a happy little nug.

I glared at the dwarf.

When he looked up he smiled innocently at me. “I mean; you totally deserved better!”

I rolled my eyes.

**-X-**

_“It isn’t long after that that two more humans show up. Latimer Trevelyan is the next human to stay with the Dalish. A run away from the Templars, as he tells it, he helped to forge some peace between a nearby village and the clan. When he asks to stay to study among the people, the clan is more accepting of the idea then when I first appeared. Lati keeps everybody on their toes, but he reminded me a lot of Brenan. Funny, direct, loyal, kind and a bit reckless. The Dalish were happy to have another experienced fighter around, plus he helped greatly during the hunt. We became friends easily and I spent less and less time with Nol, and more and more time with Latimer. He’s actually the guy I stole the name Trevelyan from, if you’re wondering.”_

I train with Latimer most days, and he shows me a bit of the rogue style of fighting. Other days Latimer asks me to tell him what I’ve learned from the Dalish so far, and I teach him what I’ve learned of their language. Nights we spend by the fire we exchange stories about our past, and I find we have been as equally misfortunate in our lives. Lati is very vocal about his dis-belief in the Chantry’s beliefs. I myself have never even thought about the Maker, and thankfully I have never met a person who was interested in turning me into a believer. And we both have a hatred for Templars, which we bond over.

_“A few months after Latimer shows up a Grey Warden walks into the camp. There was an incident in the cave far to the west. Mahariel and Tamlen were killed, a mirror was involved somehow. All the information about what happened was really kept from me and Latimer, but my interest in the Grey Warden would not be swayed so easily. His name was Duncan and he came to warn the clan of the oncoming Blight, this news frightened many and the clan began to prepare for moving. They would be headed to the Free Marches, a place I never wanted to go back to. So I asked Duncan if I could travel with him, to this he asked me to consider joining the Grey Wardens. I told him I would.”_

Saying goodbye to Latimer was easy, I felt we would meet again. But saying anything at all to Nolaris was hard. Surprisingly she gave me a kiss on the cheek in front of everyone and asked me to write her, so that she knew I was safe. This warmed my heart beyond measure and I swore to her I would. Nol still loved me, and may still love me, but she was right, we could not be together, it was not destined to be.

_“I was seventeen when I began traveling with Duncan. He was a unique man, and I felt I knew him. There was a spark inside of him that reminded me of someone. He was similar to Old Mart, but that’s not who the spark reminded me of. He was easy to get along with, kind, strong, wise; he was a man of impeccable character and strong moral conduct. He was…handsome as well. But that thought I kept to myself. He too was interested in my past, and due to our very long journey, I got to tell him most of it. When I told him my last name though, he seemed surprised but in a happy way. Mysteriously, he told me to look up my last name in the archives in Denerim. I wondered why for a long time.”_

Along the road I learned Duncan was a duelist, and I asked him to teach me his art. He was more than happy to. In a small village there was a black smith whom Duncan bought another sword from; it was almost identical to the one the captain gave me. With two blades I could finally learn and use my newly taught rogue skills. Duncan was an excellent teacher, very dedicated and precise. He was also an excellent duelist, and the best I could possibly have to learn from.

Duncan rubbed off on me like Falline had; although our time together was short it meant a lot to me. I wished we could have traveled together forever. I was tempted to join the Grey Wardens just to stay by Duncan’s side. But being a Grey Warden wasn’t my destiny either, I could feel it. So sadly I declined his offer when we got to Denerim. But he was as reluctant to leave my side as I was his. Because of that, we went looking for a place where I could stay, together.

 

  **3.5** _The Lion, the foal, and the fox._

It’s quiet in the stables, peaceful. The place reminds me of the barn from my childhood. Smells waft into my nose, bad ones and good ones. Warmth fills me as I pet the newly born foal. Her mother was one of the Ferelden horses in the stables, her father an Orlesian horse. The baby was beautiful, a mix of light browns and dark blacks in its soft fur.

Her name was Melany, or at least that was what I named her. She would grow up to be a strong beautiful stead, but I had no idea what her future held or who would take her. The other members within Skyhold might want to sale her when she comes of age, I did not know whether I would let them give her away or not.

Often I’d come to the stables, to get away from the chaos that was the life as an Inquisitor. In here was where I felt most at ease, among the animals. Inside the stables there are many horses, a Halla, a Bog Unicorn, and a battle nug. As a ranger I could understand them all, and could calm them.

Melany rested her head on my lap, her big mother sitting right next to me, looking down upon her child. She knew I meant no harm and that I was merely there to calm them and feel calm myself. Due to the father’s absence, since Josephine stabled her horse elsewhere, the mother was happy for the help.

When I heard the stable doors open, I sighed. It was most likely someone looking for me, I bet it was Cassandra; she never liked it when I disappeared as I did. Although Varric would usually keep her off my back until I was ready to appear again. Because of this I thought something serious must be going on.

“Inquisitor!”

The voice I hear is not Cassandra’s. It’s a deep voice, strong and smooth. I know the voice and who it belongs too, I feel my skin prickle as he comes closer. A knot grows in my stomach and I can feel my mouth going dry. _‘Oh Maker, why did it have to be him?’_

Cullen appears in the stall’s entrance. He has a surprised look on his face. “Ah, Inquisitor! When Varric told me this is where you would be I thought he was joking, but it seems I owe him a silver.”

I take a deep breath and swear eternal revenge against the dwarf before I look up into Cullen’s eyes. “Commander, what do I owe the pleasure?”

“This isn’t a courtesy call I’m afraid.” Cullen steps closer and I can hear the mother horse shifting next to me, her very essence becoming weary.

“Commander, I must ask you to take a step back.” I say very seriously, petting the mother horses’ cheeks now, trying to calm her. Cullen is confused, and dare I say, hurt. “This horse has just bore a foal not but a few hours ago, she is still protective and unsettled around humans she does not know.” I explain, hoping Cullen will understand.

The ex-templar does. He nods his head and speaks gently. “That is Blackwall’s horse?” He asks.

I nod this time. “Yes, and she is new to this stable. Apparently she and Josephine’s horse hit it off the day they met, out in the field.” I expound carefully, as I smooth down the standing hair on the mother horses’ back. “Throw me that blanket will you?” I point to the blue blanket hanging next to Cullen, on the stall’s door. He throws it to me and I catch it easily. Then I slowly replace my lap with the warm soft folded blanket. I put it under the foal’s head and say my goodbyes. When I am up, I brush myself off and join Cullen.

The moment I step in beside him, Rune jumps onto my shoulders.

“You are very good with animals, I see.” Cullen tries desperately to start a conversation as we exit the stables, I can feel his uncomfortableness coming off him in waves. I am just as nervous as him.

“I am a ranger, a talent I learned when I was young. I grew up in a barn, a foal like that one all that would keep me warm on cold nights. Animals were always far kinder to me than people, and I showed them that kindness and respect in turn.” I enlightened him as we entered the stone hallways of Skyhold once again.

Cullen seemed speechless and the look in his eyes was a mix of sympathy and surprise.

“What it is Commander?” I asked, not sure how I felt about that look he was giving me.

“It’s just….I was told you were orphaned at a young age Serah, but I cannot imagine you as a weak and hungry urchin. You just….well, seem to be such a strong woman.” Cullen answered; his eyes everywhere but on mine.

I smiled lightly, something about that comment making me feel a bit more confident than I was before. “It was a long time ago Commander, and I have learned many things and earned many allies. I aim never to be that weak ever again.” I reply respectfully and confidently. “And Commander, you may call me Scarlett or Scar, everyone else does.”

Cullen nods, now looking into my eyes as we’ve stopped in front of the study. “Then you may call me Cullen….Scarlett.”

Hearing him say my name, it made me blush.

 

 4. _City elves, a wedding, and a Blight._

_“Denerim is the biggest town I’ve ever been in; I guess in this case it’s a city. I’m by Duncan’s side as I’m in awe of the place. I’m staring at the castle so much I nearly run right into a wall. But Duncan catches me by the collar before I hurt myself. I thought he might feel embarrassed being with some little villager like me, swept up in the extravagance of the city. But there’s a smile on his face, not like a grin, something subtle, and it actually reaches his eyes. I haven’t seen anyone smile like that since Falline died, and it made me feel so much better, like a little piece of me was put back into place.”_

One of the Grey Warden’s main bases is here in Denerim, but when I tell Duncan I’ve decided the Grey Wardens aren’t for me, he takes me to an Inn instead. Duncan is, for some reason, sad and relieved I’m not joining the Grey Wardens. He says now that there is a Blight coming the Grey Wardens need more new recruits than ever, especially since there are barely any Grey Wardens in Ferelden.

That night at the Inn, Duncan eats with me; it makes me so happy that he accepted my offer of one last meal together, this time not roasted over a fire. I ask him again about my father, but he is reluctant to tell me what he knows. At this point I have a gut feeling Duncan knew my father personally, and I feel a bit jealous since I do not know my father at all.

But that night I told him even though I am not going to become a Grey Warden, I use my trade mark reply to his recruitment question when he asks again; it is not my destiny, that I will still fight the Darkspawn. I tell Duncan that if they come to Denerim, he cringes at the thought, I will protect it the best I can. Duncan believes me and informs me that he will be going to the elven alienage tomorrow to try for more recruits. Since he will still be in Denerim I request that he allow me to join him. He says that I may go where I wish; I am not the type of person that can be stopped from doing so.

_“I stay that night in the Inn, its cheap and pleasant. I have coin left over from when I was a sword for hire, so one night in an Inn is easily paid. The next day I travel with Duncan to the Denerim alienage. It’s in a poor state and nothing like how the Dalish live. But there are still happy faces and a wedding going on. Duncan was welcome by the eldest and when I greeted the elf with his own language he was very surprised. Duncan introduces me and I feel important when the elder greets me back with the words I had first said to him. The city elves are still weary of humans but not as hostile-like as the Dalish. There are many elves who welcome me with smiles on their faces. I’m even surprised to find there are several that do not know the language of the Dales. The elder explains that some of the people here grew up in the alienage and was never taught the language.”_

There was a little blonde elven girl who reminded me so much of Nolaris’ sister. She did not know the language of the elves and I asked her if she would like to learn. The girl smiles the biggest smile with her big bright shining eyes and says yes so many times I can’t keep count. I tell her I will teach her, if the elder would allow it, the elder happily agreed. A moment later the girl had told her young friends and they came running up to me and said they wished to learn too. I ended up becoming a teacher of the elven language to elves, ironic as it was, there were even some older that wished to learn what I had to teach.

_“It is but a few minutes later the wedding begins. However, it was interrupted by a local noble by the name of Vaughan. He and his drunken companions wish to take some of the elven women to lay with them like whores. Even when they are informed that a sacred ritual of bonding was being performed they did not care. These were the humans that made elves live like this, that destroyed and killed Dalish, that ignored the history and culture of the elves. These men were like the ignorant egotistical bastards of history that have nearly destroyed the beauty that is the culture and art of the Dales! And as you can imagine I did not sit back and watch.”_

Duncan stood his ground, he did not wish to meddle in the altercation but I did. I looked him in the eyes and he said again: ‘You may go where you wish; you are not the type of person that can be stopped from doing so.’ I nodded in understanding and confronted the drunken bastards.

‘Do you not understand that this is their day of marriage?’ I shout at the noble in lead of the men. He looks at me with nothing but a patronizing sneer.

‘So? They are but elves? What does it matter?’ He states with an angry slur.

I grind my teeth, holding back my wrath by a thread. ‘You sound as if the word elf means _thing_ and not a living being as you and I are!’

The man just starts to laugh callously. ‘You wish to make something of it, girl? Am I offending you knife ear lover?’

‘Yes!’ Slowly I take off my gloves with my teeth and put them in my trouser pockets. ‘Care for a wager?’

The man jumps down from the stand where the wedding was being held. His buddies just watch him closely. Vaughan is smiling like the cat that just got the cream. I’m betting I wore more of a malicious grin myself, feeling pure hatred boil in my blood.

‘You wanna fight me little girl?’ He asks as he leans over me, but an inch taller in height. I was seventeen years old, and I was always looking for a fight.

‘Yes. Bare fists, no weapons; I knock you out, your buddies drag your body out of here and you stay away.’ I say this through gritted teeth, standing on my toes to show him that I was not afraid.

Vaughan laughs, this time he laughs mockingly. ‘Sure, fine, if I win you come with me, and I get to beat on that pretty little face some more.’

‘Deal.’ I can hear gasps from the elves around me, the little blonde elven girl from earlier was crying, she didn’t want me to get hurt. But I wasn’t going to get hurt. This man was tipsy from drinking, he was slow, and I imagine he wasn’t a quick thinker either. Speed, cleverness, and lean strength had been what helped me to kill those Antivan Crows, this would be no different.

Vaughan brings his big fist down in a sweep, smile on his face. I see it coming a mile away. The noble isn’t smiling when he realizes I’m not even on the ground anymore. I had leapt as he was first bringing his fist back. As I was falling back towards the ground I brought my foot out and slammed it down onto Vaughan’s head. I push off from his scalp with that one foot, putting all my weight into it, nearly making the noble fall. Then I flip into the air and land hard on my feet a few inches away. Vaughan is still standing, surprised, five seconds later he’s on the ground, out like a light.

Everything is quiet for a moment, disbelief in everyone’s eyes, but then one person started clapping in the dreaded silence. When I turned around to see who it was, I wasn’t too surprised to see Duncan clapping. Then every elf in the alienage joined in, and after Vaughan was carried away the wedding continued.

_“Vaughan was so embarrassed he was beaten by a girl, he didn’t even say a thing about it to his father or the guards. After that the elder offered me a small place to call my own in the alienage. The small hut doubled as my school, or a classroom really. And I spent the final days before the Blight teaching, protecting, and serving the alienage. I even helped to rebuild things, or go hunting beyond the walls of Denerim to retrieve food so that no city elf would starve again. I saw in many of them the hunger I once felt, so I did what no one would ever do for me, feed them.”_

The elder is the one who brings me the news about Duncan. News about the Grey Warden’s defeat at Ostagar spread like wild fire. But the elder did not believe what they were saying about them, and neither did I. I knew Duncan, and he did not die a traitor, he died in battle beside the king. I cried the whole night after the elder had told me about what happened. I wanted to go to him so badly, find Duncan, not believe the lies, and hug him one last time. The last day I saw Duncan he had a proud look in his eyes, he patted me on the shoulder and said I would have made the most amazing Grey Warden, but I was right, my destiny laid ahead, in something far more important. Again he speaks as if he knows who I am whenever even I do not. Falline did the same.

I swore that after the Blight I would go to Ostagar and even if I could not find a body, hold a memorial service in his honor, like what I could not do for Falline. I thought about getting a griffin tattooed on my back for him, but it just didn’t seem right.

_“Before I know it Trevintor mages come in and invade my home. They say the plague has broken out, but I do not believe them. I can smell the lies, see the deceit. However, as strong as I may be, I could not take down a group of slavers on my own. I seek help from guards, or Templars. But no one cares or believes me. Then I dig deep. I head into a tavern in town and start a rumor about The Bloody Fox being back. It’s only a few days when I have the attention of at least five mercenaries. I tell them I will pay them handsomely if they help me to kill slavers. It surprises me when they all look at each other with disgust in their eyes, they tell me that dirty shit-face slavers don’t deserve to live let alone step into Ferelden. Apparently they had had encounters with slavers before. It cost me nothing to have them at my side as we killed every slaver that had invaded the alienage and saved every elf. I told the mercs that I owed them but instead they tipped their hats to me and said it was an honor fighting alongside the Bloody Fox.”_

**-X-**

“Really?!” Varric gives me an astonished look. “Really?!”

“I know it sounds ridicules but I swear on Andraste’s tits I’m not lying!” I try to persuade him, in truth I really wasn’t making the story up.

“Maker Scar, you are just like Hawke!” Varric shakes his head in his hands.

“Is that a bad thing or a good thing?” I ask as I remember the Tale of the Champion.

“Debatable.” Varric shrugs.

**-X-**

_“The Blight comes to Denerim with no warning. And before this I had never even seen a Darkspawn before. Duncan’s description of them was right, an evil you are never prepared to face. Against the laws of the city I find and give weapons to the few elves that can use them. Then, with what little time we have left, we board up houses and huts and secure the alienage as best we can. We shut the gate and barricade that too, I am the one that volunteers to close the gate from the outside. Many of my students and acquaintances protest against this, even the elder is unhappy with my demand. But I say to him: **I may go where I wish; I am not the type of person that can be stopped from doing so.** With tears in his eyes the elder nods. When the Darkspawn come I fight harder than I ever have in my life.”_

Hordes flood into the city. Guards and Templars fight to keep everyone save. But they drop like flies. I stand my ground in front of the alienage, knowing no one will protect the elves unless I protect them. I lose track of time as the fighting goes on, Rune brings me poultices from over the gate when he thinks I need them. But the pain from fighting, being hurt, it is still nothing compared to the pain I feel at the loss of Falline and Duncan. I fight for them, as if, when I win and survive all of this, I will have saved them. It makes me push myself harder than even the Commander from Cousland’s Keep ever pushed me.

_“Time passes differently when you’re fighting for your life and the life’s of others. But after a long while I hear the remains of the guards fighting off Darkspawn near the Chantry. I don’t want to leave the alienage, but those guards needed help too. I wove and spun and fought a path to the Chantry. There were four guards left, and none of them looked good. Behind me Rune was dragging a sack of poultices in his mouth, the last the alienage had gathered no doubt. But I could spare four. I came to them and fought off enough of the Darkspawn to at least buy us a second. I hand each of them a poultice, the gratitude in their eyes was pure and overwhelming. They drank down the potions and started fighting again. Before we knew it the army from Redcliffe had come, the Grey Warden I had heard so much about was here to save us all.”_

 

I thought I was hallucinating when I saw Brenan standing there in Grey Warden armor, the new king of Ferelden standing beside her no doubt. When her group of companions went to go check on the survivors, she found me. We stared at one another for a moment, barely recognizing each other. But then she came barreling towards me in that armor and hugged me so tightly; just like she used to when we were young. I could tell she was trying not to cry as she started talking at me quickly. I just let her spill everything out, feeling her warmth again was enough for me. When her companions called to her she let me go, I told her that we would see each other again, we were survivors after all.

_“The Hero of Ferelden saved the day, killing the Archdemon and ending the Blight. I was so proud of her, and then I heard she was to marry the king and become Warden Commander. I almost couldn’t believe it, her settling down? She surly had grown up hadn’t she? But of course, I had as well. The day after the Blight I began traveling to Ostagar. I had a week before things in Denerim would go back to normal; everyone was cleaning up and resting after the battle. I rented a horse and went to the old ruins. There I found Duncan’s sword and dagger sticking out of an ogre’s corpse. I laughed sadly; he really had gone down fighting. I felt selfish for doing it but I desperately wanted something to remember Duncan by, as I had never had anything of Falline’s. I took the dagger and sword, leaving my old short swords there. Then I had an old traditional memorial service in Duncan’s honor, even though I could not find the body.”_

When I arrived home, at my hut in the alienage, there were guards looking for me. The elves were scared of them and refused to tell them where I was. But when I saw their faces I smiled. The four guards I had saved during the attack on Denerim had survived. I greeted them respectfully and asked why they were looking for me. They told me the king was apparently throwing an honor ceremony of some kind; honoring those who died and lived fighting the Darkspawn in Denerim. But I was just a wanderer of sorts, surly I would not be welcomed at this ceremony. The four guards would have none of my excuses, I saved their lives, I was a hero to them and deserved to be part of the ceremony.

 _“When the ceremony came around I wore the armor that I had on during the attack. The elder had_ ‘stolen’ _my armor and had help shining it from my students. This was their way of honoring me for protecting them and teaching them when no one else would. I was touched and wore the armor with pride. I looked very out of place at the ceremony though, everyone was dressed formally and I had never worn a dress in my life. The only other person wearing armor was the king, still in his Grey Warden armor from the day of the attack as well. Seeing this made me feel even more confident.”_

The ceremony was different than I had expected. It was quiet, there was no celebrating, instead each person would bring something of the fallen’s up to the altar at the front of the room. The fallen’s name was said and any living relative of the fallen was given something to ease the pain of the departed. The living were honored last, the four guards walked to the front of the room and bowed to the king. But before he could honor them they spoke out. They said: ‘If we may, your highness, we would like to honor another. For without her we would not stand here today.’ I cannot describe the feeling I felt, it was a mixture of so many things, but a thought came to mind, that perhaps today Falline would look down and smile, perhaps I had finally made her proud.

_“Everyone in the room is surprised at what the guards have to say. They ask I come up; slowly I walk to them and find myself the center of everyone’s attention. The king asks if I am the one the guards speak of and I say I was only protecting those that protected others; the outcome as such was that we five survived together. King Alistair smiled and I blushed under his gaze, I could see why Brenan liked him so. After that we bow together, me and the four guards, in front of the king, and we are honored for our bravery and diligence. Not only that we are allowed to ask one thing of the king. One guard asked for money for his family, the second she asked for a home in Redcliffe, the third he asked to become a noble, and the last asked to be given higher rank and to be in charge of training the new guards. When it came to me I could only think of one thing. I asked to be allowed full access to all of Denerim’s archives.”_

As you can guess this confused many, but Alistair did not ask why, he approved it. And then after all that there was a feast held in our honor. I felt very out of place again, I had never been to such an event in my life. Alistair seemed as uncomfortable as I was. Reluctantly I went to him and greeted him as a friend instead of a king, as I thought he welcomed such an informal hello. We talked for a bit, I asked him about if he knew Duncan. He said he did, and after I told him how I met Duncan we spoke of him for a while. Then I questioned why Brenan was not here, he said she was in Amaranthine, dealing with another Darkspawn threat.

This piqued my interest, I felt compelled to help Brenan as much as I could for as long as I could. I mentioned to Alistair that I might go to Vigil’s Keep to aid her. He replied that she would probably welcome my aid. That decided it; I would go to Vigil’s Keep next…after looking into the information Duncan had wanted me to a year ago.

_“The next day I go to the archives room, basically a library only nobles can go to. I look for the name Voxx for a while, until I find some death certificates and a journal entry written by King Maric. My father’s name was Janius Voxx. He aided King Maric during the war with Orlais, and because of this he was targeted by assassins. My father, mother, and brother were killed while fleeing their home country, Tantervale. On the death certificates above each name was the same crest that was on my necklace. It was the crest for the royal house of Tantervale. My father had been a king. This information hit me hard, all this time I had been the last living royal of Tantervale, and like King Alistair I had no interest in becoming a ruler. And no exceptions would change my mind.”_

That same day I pack up and ride to Vigil’s Keep, once again saying goodbye to another home. But now I do not call myself Scarlett Voxx, I am instead Scarlett Trevelyan, the name stolen from Latimer. As I have no interest in being connected to my father or being seen as royalty.

 

**4.5** _Skyhold, bedrooms, and letters to an elf._

Dear Nolaris;

My bedroom is essentially at the top of the Keep. But there is still a hallway that goes from my room to the Watch Tower. Several of my companions visit the Watch Tower to look over the mountains, or spit and count how long it takes to hit the ground, or throw wet smalls over the balcony railing. Varric, Sera, and Iron Bull are into doing tricks on their off time. Sometimes Iron Bull will come up to the tower, mind you he’s dead hankered drunk when he does, and pee over the side of the balcony. Anyway, my room is next to all of that, sound proof though, thank the Maker.

But, to tell the truth, I haven’t quite gotten used to being an Inquisitor yet. For a long time we weren’t an Inquisition, it was just a few of us and a rundown castle we couldn’t use yet. I miss Haven sometimes, but now that the castle is refurbished, it’s magnificent. My room is huge, like nothing I’ve ever had before, all soft colors and silks. I think you would like it. Although there are no _adahlen_ here, there are, as I said, many mountains. It snows sometimes too; I think you would enjoy the snow, Nol.

There are many things I’m not used to yet. They gave me a throne to sit on! Can you imagine me, a _len'alas lath'din_ , actually having a place of power? They even asked me what I wished for them to do with an old man who had lost his son. We had no choice really, when we killed that man’s son. But they wanted me to order his execution! All he did was swing a dead goat at our walls, I suppose that is a bit of an insult, and they wanted me to kill him for that? I couldn’t do it Nol, I saw in his eyes what I felt in my soul when they took Falline from me. What if they had killed me that day too? I….I let him go free, _emma lath_.

In other, less depressing, news: Oh boy, it’s hard to write this next bit. As I said, I’m still getting used to this, well everything. For a while, after I left Kirkwall, which really I wonder to this day why I went back to the blighted Free Marches, I got to sleep in. Granted, the bed I slept in was an old rotted one, but still. Now I have this bed that has silk sheets, feather filled pillows, and is so warm. Not that I’m rubbing it in, but I sleep like a rock in that bed. And as you know, I don’t wake very well, I cannot think well so early in the morning. But my Advisor’s tell me I should be up early; we are fighting a long and hard battle after all.

One morning, when I had just awoken, I was putting on my boots when I heard footsteps. Well, I really sensed the footsteps, but that is for a letter another time. So I spring to my feet and open the door, truth be told I thought it would be Josephine come to chew me out again over being late. But it’s Varric, and like I said in my last letter, Varric is perhaps one of the only companions I am truly close with. You know I’m not good with people, _emma lath_. When we first met I was tongue tied for days.

I tell Varric good morning and ask how his newest story is coming. Apparently he has taken a lot of inspiration from me for his new book, as he did Hawke; the Champion of Kirkwall. Varric blinks and says it’s going well, but now he has a much more vivid picture of me then he wanted. At first I was confused, then he said. ‘Dear Inquisitor I hope you’re not going to the War Room like that.’ And I ask why, he replies. ‘Maker’s sake, you’re not even wearing smalls, just boots!’ I don’t believe I’ve been so embarrassed in my life. Now Varric comes to check on me every morning, with a cup of something he calls _“Morning Brew”_ that helps to wake me up. It tastes terrible but it does keep me from walking into the War Room naked.

I guess now you’re wondering, why was I naked? Well, now that I have some privacy at night I enjoy sleeping naked. But let us keep that between each other, Maker only knows what I would do if Cullen ever had to wake me at night, like if we were being attacked. That is another thing I wanted to speak to you about, Nol. Cullen has grabbed my attention as a….possible partner. He is loyal, and charming, and strong, and kind. It has been _mana_ since _ma’lath_ for you was put to an end. You are married now and the Keeper of what is left of your clan. As a friend I would ask you if it was okay for me to pursue Cullen, but I still hold something dark inside my broken heart for what we have lost, so I will not. My love for Anders faded long ago, after he took Justice into himself and became another man. But I believe Cullen, if he would ever be interested, would be good for me. Perhaps he could help heal some of my heart.

I will forever be marked by your _vallaslin_ upon my skin, _emma lath_. You were my first, and so gentle with me even though I was an outsider. Truth be told, I have always been an outsider. The roses remind me of Falline, the thorns and vines remind me of you. This place is not _arla_ , like you were for me so long ago, but every day it becomes one step closer to becoming that. I wish upon you and your clan peace and safety. I hope you are happy with your husband. ‘Till I write to you again Nolaris, be careful _emma lath_ , the world is turning into a dangerous place, I only hope I can stop it in time before it reaches you.

Love;

Scarlett Voxx

 

**5.** _Vigil’s Keep, Anders, wrath, and Kirkwall._

_“When I arrived at Vigil’s Keep it was a mess. Dead Darkspawn were everywhere, and soldiers were only just beginning to clear the bodies. I was worried about Brenan the moment I could smell the blood, but when I finally got inside the Keep and saw she was safe I relaxed. Brenan was surprised to see me, and seemed happy yet reluctant as well. I explained to her I was here to offer my services as a sword for hire, Brenan couldn’t believe I had become a mercenary of all things. But she said that she could really use all the help she could get. The seneschal though objected to the idea saying that if I wanted to help I should become a Grey Warden. I told the man if Duncan could not get me to become a Grey Warden he certainly wouldn’t. Brenan was shocked to hear that I was offered the title of Warden long ago and did not take it. However she talked the seneschal into letting me help, at least to guard the Keep if anything.”_

I am nineteen years old when I become the coordinator of Vigil Keep’s defenses. I meet many colorful characters in the scope of that year. Anders, an apostate mage turned Grey Warden, was one of them. A year can seem like a life time or just a few days, with everything going on it felt like such a short time, yet somehow I fell in love again. During those days Anders was a completely different person; he was sweet, charming, funny, sarcastic, lazy yet dedicated. On the days Brenan did not drag him along on her quests he studied spirit healing and made a make shift clinic near the training yard for the recruits. He would either be there or the library looking for books about spirits of the Fade.

**-X-**

“You fell in love with Blondie? Maker, you and Hawke even like the same type of men!” Varric shouts.

I only glare at him before continuing.

**-X-**

_“On days I was not helping or managing the reconstruction and fortification of the Keep I go to visit him. Something about him reminds me of Falline, perhaps it’s that starlight in his eyes. He barely notices me, even when I purposely hurt myself to get healing from him he barely looks at me. The first time he looks me in the eye is the day he scolds me like a child. I was training recruits, hoping to get hurt. I literally let them beat on me as if I was nothing but a hay stuffed dummy. When I am covered in bruises and bleeding Anders comes to my_ ‘rescue’ _and shoos the vicious recruits away….with lightning. The moment the words_ ‘I am used to it’ _come out of my mouth as my excuse, the mage scolds me with a look of sympathy in his eyes.”_

After that he takes me back to his clinic, it smells of herbs and cat. Ironically, when we arrive I find Rune playing with Ser Pounce-alot. I had wondered where the wily fox had been going every afternoon. Anders heals all my injuries and asks me about Rune, and even after the healing was done we kept talking for a while. We just watched our two furry companions play together and told each other our story’s. Anders admits he could tell there was something about me, something of himself in me that he saw, and that he was trying to avoid me a bit. When he admits that I blurt out how happy I am that was the reason since I thought he was disgusted by me. The fact that sentence seems so normal to me is what hurts Anders the most. He tells me he was trying not to let himself feel feelings for someone, especially someone who would understand his pain. He liked one night stands, emotional distance; he wasn’t up for a real relationship. I tell him neither am I, because I think maybe we could have a one night stand together and that would be enough, but it was a lie.

_“Anders and I have that one night together before everything falls apart. I have that one moment of passion with him like I had Nolaris, and it was so different and yet so much the same. The next morning we’re gearing up, he goes with Brenan and I stay at the Keep. One moment everything is okay, the next Darkspawn are coming out of nowhere, but the Keep is prepared to deal with them, the village of Amarathine is not. I take a small unit of soldiers and head to the village. It’s almost like the Blight all over again. But this time I bring people I know onto the battlefield with me, people I trained and talked with every day. No one but me survives that night, we successfully protect the village and its people, but I could not protect my men. I watch each one of them die, and I bury them the next day.”_

When I return to Vigil’s Keep I find Brenan injured but not enough to keep her from hugging me tightly on my arrival. Everyone at the Keep is fine, beaten perhaps but alive, and Anders has got his hands full. It takes him awhile to get to me, to heal my injuries. But I refuse his healing this time; I wanted to feel the pain. I deserved it, for not being able to protect the soldiers that trusted me with their lives. Anders pushed me, said I needed to be healed or my wounds might get infected, become worse. After that I kicked him out of my room and refused to see him.

_“A week later Brenan says she’s planning to leave the Keep, go back to Denerim for her wedding. I’m still limping by then, but I cover it up well enough for no one to notice. I’m so happy for Brenan, after everything that’s happened she deserves happiness. But it’s only two days later she goes missing, as if out of thin air. We look for her for a month; Alistair is heartbroken at the loss of his beloved. When people stop looking for her I do not. One night I take the weaponry I can, even some of the special explosives our resident dwarf inventor had created, and I leave Vigil’s Keep. For three years I look for Brenan, driving myself into the ground as I do so. I owed it to her and her family to find her. I even look in the Deep Roads, I go to Orlais, Par Vollen, and then to the Free Marches….”_

**-X-**

I stop telling my story as I finally get to the part I dread the most. My hands are buried deeply in Rune’s fur and I can’t look Varric in the eye.

“What’s wrong?” Varric asks with deep concern. “Why did you stop? What happened?”

I look up at him and give him a deep look of shame. “I…I don’t think you want to hear the rest of the story.” I bite my lip. “I’m not….I’m not the good person you think I am.”

At this Varric scowls. “Now I know that’s not true, Inquisitor. If I remember correctly, just last week you saved a whole village from Trevintor slavers…. _again_ , even helped build an orphanage for those homeless kids.” He says, trying to argue with me, trying to prove I was a good person. Then he lowers his voice and gets this understanding look in his eyes. “Hey, everybody makes mistakes. No one’s perfect, Scar. But sometimes talking about it helps.”

I take a deep breath and nod. I know if anyone will understand it’s him, and I know he’s right. “Okay, well, just keep in mind no one knows the rest of this story. So…maybe…don’t tell anyone?”

When I look up, he nods, having a serious expression on his face.

**-X-**

_“I end up back on that mountain; that blighted mountain from my childhood. Thralkeld, I circle Thedas in my search and three years later, when I’m twenty two years old, I end up in that village of all places. Looking upon that land, walking the very place I saw Falline die after almost ten years. My mind was lost in an ocean of bottled hatred and anger. Several days with no sleep, weeks of nightmares, with no luck of finding Brenan. I….I lost it. A man, with such terrible timing, confronts me in Black Hollow; he is one of the older children that used to beat me. He called me a witch, and mentioned Falline’s name….just once. And that was all I needed to snap. I slit his throat and left him to bleed out, and then I bombed and burned the rest of the village to the ground. The people that tried to escape I killed. I watched them all burn, I waited until everything was ashes and rubble, before I left. All I could think about was that I had finally avenged Falline as I had promised.”_

**-X-**

When I look up to see Varric’s reaction his face is blank, and I’m too scared to stop talking.

**-X-**

_“I flee to Kirkwall, the place I think I will be safest from persecution. But I was wrong. I disguise myself, I start wearing a black cloak and cowl and go by The Shadow. As you know I become an information broker. Before that though, a whole month in Kirkwall I spend in the Hanged Man, drunk and off my rocker with guilt and shame. No one recognizes me as a drunken dirty beggar, except one person. One of the mercenaries I hired to fight the Trevintor slavers back in Ferelden was there. He helped me get back on my feet, so to speak. He tells me about what’s going on in Kirkwall, about all the Templars abusing the mages. And after he said all that I use my connections as the once Bloody Fox to become The Shadow.”_

As an information broker I usually help mages, and the underground mage movement. But there are times I need coin, I need food. So I help assassins too and the coterie, they pay big but the price is knowing I had a hand in so many people’s deaths. Even though I’m not a drunk anymore I can’t kick the habit of drinking too much when I can get some. I try drugs too at one point, just to get the guilt and shame out of my system, even if it is just for a little while. So when I’m not helping mages, assassins, or sleeping, I’m in the Hanged Man drinking.

_“When I recognize the Captain or Isabella at the bar most nights, I avoid her. I don’t want people who know me to see me. Then there’s that one night where some drunkard started a bar fight, I stayed in the shadows and just drank my fill from the bottles I would catch flying towards me. But running into Latimer was not what I had planned. There was a night at the Hanged Man I used my stolen last name to make an order, Latimer was surprised to hear his last name being called even though he hadn’t ordered a drink yet. There was a dwarf with him; his name was Elias, later I did a deal with him, it involved selling rare Orlesian liquor to someone through the black market, but at the time I didn’t know who he was. Latimer was surprised to see me, but before he could say anything I fled the tavern and disappeared into the alleys.”_

As an information broker I give information to Varric once or twice, there’s something about him that makes me trust him. So he already knew I was the Shadow before anyone else did. Anders was the second to find out. On nights I would help the mage underground out Anders would be there, no one ever called me out for hiding my identity so he never saw my face. Until one night, I hear that Templars are planning to do a sweep of Darktown where Anders lives. I go to his clinic and wait for the Templars to arrive. Most of the time I would serve as a protector to mages fleeing Kirkwall when I would help the underground; so I had already killed many Templars before and taken great pride in it. I felt it was something I needed to do, had to do, and many nights I would go looking for Templars just to kill them. So when these Templars showed themselves it was easy for me to attack and kill them.

_“But even so, I am not indestructible. The Templars did great damage to me as I fought them, but I was the survivor in the end. I was hoping not to bring Anders into this, but the commotion outside his clinic brought him to the scene. Three dead Templars and a broken and bleeding cloaked body; the same body who had been shrouded in mystery every night he saw it while helping his fellow mages. I clung to the hood that kept my face shadowed, but when I could not stand on my own, bleeding profusely, I admitted I needed his help. He dragged me into his clinic and when he said the cloak needed to go so he could see my wounds I threw it away reluctantly. To say Anders was surprised to see I was the Shadow is an understatement, to tell the truth he was enraged. He talked for a long time as he healed my wounds, scolding me like he once did; he even saw the scars from the damage done to me at Amarathine that I would not let him heal.”_

I let him speak, not really listening, as he closed my cuts. The moment he was done I put back on my cloak and acted as if I was nothing but a ghost. I left, without ever saying a word. Anders didn’t need me, and I no longer showed up to the mage underground meetings. Instead I killed Templars left and right in Kirkwall, driving the Knight Commander mad. She thought it was the mages and blood magic doing it, but I was responsible.

_“Things erupt quickly in Kirkwall. Three years I spend either helping the mages or being an information broker. I am 26 when shit hits the fan, I feel the Chantry explode from the Hanged Man. I had been warned by many that things were about to come to a head. Latimer, through a series of contacts, had actually been the one to warn me to leave the city and head to Orlais. But leaving the Hanged Man just seemed too hard; I wanted to support Anders but…. After I heard about him and Hawke being together, another piece inside of me broke, and like so many other things I drowned those feelings with drink. However, feeling the Chantry explode like that, it woke me up and sent me heading for the nearest ship. I used the coin I had to gain access to the last ship off the docks of Kirkwall, and headed towards Orlais.”_

 

  **5.5** _The abomination_

 

_“You are a mistake. You should never have existed.”_

The words of The Elder One ring in my ears.

Inside Skyhold there is a small Chantry, it is for those who believe in the Maker and wish to pray for peace, guidance, safety, or strength; whatever you pray to Him for. I find myself standing here, near the altar, with a burning feeling of apprehension and guilt inside my stomach.

I understood the day the power of sealing the rips outside the Fade came to me that it was not right. But all those years, twenty years of searching for my destiny, keeping my promise to Falline; how was I supposed to know if this was right; if this was my true destiny? No higher power told me, Falline did not tell me, how was I supposed to know?!

“YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS!” I feel pure fury, the hatred I’ve bottled up for so long, the anger come flowing out of me. No, it burst out like an explosion, like fire. “YOU DID THIS TO ME!” I couldn’t control myself; I tossed everything off the altar. The candles clattered to the ground and stopped burning. “YOU GAVE ME THIS POWER SO I COULD SAVE PEOPLE DIDN’T YOU?!” Next I smashed the whole altar in two with my fist. The splinters in my skin stung and my hand bled, but I was numb all over.

“I WAS KEEPING A PROMISE, AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY CHOICE!” I was screaming at the symbol of the Chantry now in rage, yelling at the Maker himself. “YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A THEIF!” Tears were streaming out of my eyes, I could not stop them and I fell to my knees. “YOU TOOK MY FAMILY, YOU TOOK KELAVIA, YOU TOOK MART, YOU TOOK FALLINE, YOU TOOK THE COUSLAND’S, YOU TOOK BRENAN, YOU TOOK NOL, YOU TOOK DUNCAN, YOU TOOK ANDERS, YOU’VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME!”

Fire was burning inside of me; my whole body was glowing with fury. “Is…” I hiccupped as the sobbing began. Seeing all those faces in my mind’s eye, it hurt so much, the pain was overwhelming. “Is this my punishment for killing those people?” I can’t look up now, ashamed, I stared down at the mess I had made. “Is this for what I did to avenge Falline?”

I was shaking, trembling, there was so much sadness and anger that I had buried down deep. I could not stop it from pouring out now. “HOW IS THAT FAIR? I DESTROY ONE VILLAGE AND YOU TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME!” I can feel the tears sliding down, they hit the floor and it begins to rain outside. The sun that was once shining through the stain glass window above was now replaced by clouds and thick heavy rainfall.

I look up again and I feel my world tremble. I fall fully to the solid rock floor and feel weak. “All I wanted was to keep her promise.” I sniffle and clench the fists that lay at my side. “I wanted to protect people, protect the ones I love. But those are the ones I cannot save. The least I can do is help the rest of the world. My intentions were always good ones. I know…” I see the village in Anderfels burning, in my mind. I hear the people that are still alive screaming as they burn to death. Nothing but ashes is left once I was done. “I know I am not a good person.” Then I think back to my time in Kirkwall as an information broker, all those assassins I helped to kill their targets. “I. Am. Not. Innocent.”

But her face, I remembered it as she smiled at me, her laugh brought warmth into my otherwise blighted life. She was my everything. Then I watched them behead her, she was still smiling at me as her head rolled away. “Falline.” I sob grossly and uncontrollably when that memory comes to me. “I AVENGED HER!” That’s what it was for me, vengeance against an unkind people. It didn’t even matter to me how badly they used to beat me when I was young. All that mattered was her.

“She saw something in me no one else did. I had a great destiny in her eyes.” My finger nails are cutting into my palm now, and the pain helps me to control myself. “WAS THIS WHAT SHE SAW? OR WAS MY TRUE DESTINY TAKEN FROM ME LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE WAS?” My throat was already beginning to burn and my vision was very blurry.

“I TRIED TO SAVE THEM!” Lightning struck but did nothing to cover the sound of my voice. “Am I…am I the reason they’re all dead? Truly, should I not have existed? Would my brother be happily ruling Tantervale now? Would Falline still be painting? Would teryn Cousland still be alive? Would Brenan still be off causing trouble with her mabari? Would they all have been better off HAD I NEVER BEEN BORN?!”

I haven’t felt this weak since the day Falline rescued me from that beating. “Everything I’ve ever done, how hard I’ve trained, studied, worked. WAS IT ALL FOR NOTHING!?” My head begins to feel light and my palms feel wet and sticky. I bring up my hands and stare at the blood on them. “Does it all mean nothing? Am I really a mistake? An…abomination?”

Whisperingly I say; “Would they all be better off if I took my own life?”

 

**6** _Talks with Varric_

The aftermath of a great battle was always the same here in Skyhold. We were attacked again, but we held our ground. The day after leaves the halls and rooms of Skyhold quiet, you could hear a quill drop it was so soundless. Soldiers, guards, companions, and advisors sleep in that day, we mourn the fallen as long as the sun is up, and then we bury their bodies at dusk. The injured see our local healers; which would be Solas and Vivienne.

Just like I had with Anders so long ago; I refused to see a healer. Vivienne would have none of my nonsense though, she was far more forceful and motherly than Anders ever was. She was almost exactly like Falline, so much so it made me cry. I was at least able to convince her to attend to the others first and me last.

The night before, the battle waged on for almost a full two days, and I was at the fore front of it all. My arm had been sliced clean open, today it was in a sling. My hands were bruised so badly I could barely use them. The armor on my right leg was broken, and my bone broke the moment the armor did. So my leg was bandaged and I was left to limp around the castle like a wounded animal.

Everyone was hurt though, not just me. Solas got a finger broken, Iron bull was covered in deep gashes, Sera sprained her wrist, Blackwall lost several teeth and got a bad black eye, Vivienne was moderately okay due to her superior healing magics, Dorian only uses elemental magic and he had several ribs broken, Cassandra really only had a few bruises and scrapes thanks to her shield, and Varric had his left arm broken.

It was stuffy in my room today; I felt guilt clawing at me, trying to drown me like it had long ago. I itched to drink my weight in ale like I used to, just so I could forget about the men we lost. I could not protect my soldiers or my companions, what was worse was that I felt most guilty about Varric’s injuries because truly I was still only really close to him. But I owed everyone an apology for my ineptness. I didn’t deserve to be an Inquisitor, I wasn’t strong enough. So the plan was to apologize to my companions and advisors, get completely drunk, and then leave so that they could replace me with someone better.

I found myself heading down the hall, not far from my room was Varric’s room. I went to him first. I knocked on the door gently, hoping that if he was asleep I wouldn’t wake him.

“Door’s open!” Varric shouted, his voice made me flinch but I swallowed my shame and went in anyway.

His room was similar to mine. It had a book shelf full of books, a fireplace which was lit, and a nice bed. But the room was smaller and the desk was bigger and messier than mine. Varric was actually wearing something casual and comfortable, his arm in a sling. In his other hand he had a quill and was writing something down, completely focused on his work.

“What brings you here, Scar?” When Varric finally looked up, he saw all my unhealed and terribly bandaged injuries, and the fact I was trying to hide how much pain I was in. Vivienne still had other soldiers to heal, and it would at least take another day for me to bleed out, so I could wait. “Maker Scar! You look half dead! Hasn’t Bald Spot and Vivienne seen you yet?!”

I shrugged. “I’m fine.”

Varric gave me a hard look. “No,” He shook his head. “You’re not!”

I try and avoid the subject. “Look…Varric…I-”

“You still bleeding Scar! Did you sleep like this?” Varric interrupts me, and slowly, trying to be careful with his arm, he gets up from his chair.

“I didn’t really sleep, but that’s not-”

“You didn’t sleep? Maker, your still bleeding and you look paler than Cole! You need to go see Vivienne, at this rate you’re going to bleed to death!” Now Varric was standing in front of me, shorter than me so he was, he could still be intimidating. His voice held authority and concern, like that of a father or brother, two things I’ve never had.

“Look I just came by to apologize!” I finally yelled, trying to get a word in edge-wise.

“Maker, what for? Don’t tell me you feel guilty about the men that died?” Varric looks at me, really looks into my eyes and narrows his own. I feel like he’s looking into my soul and I shiver. “You do, don’t you?” He whispers, but he knows I can hear him.

Varric sighs deeply. “You know for years I said Hawke was going to be the death of me, as much as she pretended not to care and laughed off the pain that she felt, I could still see it. She always felt guilty and she cared about everyone and was always sad when there was someone she couldn’t save.” I’m silent now, listening to one of the very rare moments Varric talks about himself and Hawke and not about a fabrication. In his eyes I can see how much he misses Hawke and how worried he is for her, even though he always boasts about how strong she was.

In a second he goes from looking distant to focusing completely on me, this makes me flinch again. “But I take all that back, as bad as Hawke was your worse! If anyone’s going to be the death of me it’s you! At least Hawke didn’t feel guilty all the time, she knew how to take care of herself and that it was important to think of yourself for at least a day! You on the other hand would rather bleed out then take up Vivienne’s time while she’s healing soldiers with splinters!” Varric yells, poking at me yet still being weary of my injuries.

“I…You….I’m fine!” I protest weakly, Varric crosses his arms and raises a brow.

“I bet I could push you over just by blowing at you, you’re so weak right now.” He challenges, trying to prove to me just how not-fine I am.

“This pain is nothing!” I declare, getting into his space this time. “I’m used to…. _ugh_.” I stop mid-sentence, the look on Anders face flashing in my mind when I told him I was used to pain. Not only that my leg finally buckles out from under me, the one that I was barely standing on even though it was broken.

Like a prince, Varric catches me, and then lets out a pain filled whimper whenever he remembers he has an injured arm too.

“Sorry! SORRY! SORRY!” I start apologizing over and over again as I move away from Varric and begin to sit on his bed.

Through gritted teeth he smiles and says. “No problem Scar, just gotta watch the arm. Vivienne would kill me if I messed up the hard work she did on it.”

“I’m sorry Varric.” I say again and this time with every ounce of sincerity I can muster.

Varric’s shoulders go lax and he sighs again. “Look, Scarlett, you have to stop pushing yourself like this. I know you feel guilty for all those guys who died out there but it wasn’t your fault.” Then Varric steps forward and takes hold of my chin, making sure we’re looking eye to eye. “It’s never been your fault.”

I look away anyway, even as he holds my chin gently. “But I was supposed to protect them, I wasn’t strong enough, I don’t deserve-”

“Scar, you are not the Maker, or the Stone, or the Creators, whatever it is you believe in. You can’t save everybody, and I mean that! No one can save everybody. Those soldiers died doing what they thought was right; protecting you. You’ve saved so many lives, no one could possibly keep count, and the people that die around you died knowing that that day might be their last. No matter how strong you are you can’t protect everybody. But you are doing one incredible job trying.” Varric means every word he says, his eyes show that he means it down to his very soul and I’m trying not to cry while I listen to how much he believes in me, how much he cares.

Suddenly he holds up a finger. “But you can’t protect anybody if you can’t protect yourself, and right now I doubt you could protect Rune from the rats in the stables. You need to stop feeling so guilty and start taking better care of yourself. I bet if you could ask any person that’s died that you couldn’t save they would tell you the same. They would want you to be happy and healthy. So, what do you say Inquisitor? Feel like a trip to the healers?” Varric asks, gently letting go of my chin and stepping back.

I nod and wipe my eyes. “Yeah, yeah that sounds like a good idea.”

“And after that we can round up the troops, get some of that special ale in the tavern, and play Wicked Grace ‘till the sun don’t shine. Sound good?” Varric, with the arm not broken, helps me stand and lets me lean against him as we leave his room.

I grin with a laugh caught behind my lips. “Sounds perfect.”

I wondered then, did Varric do this for Hawke? Did he help her when she was down and pick her back up? Something told me he did. I felt like Varric was my brother, the man I could go to when I felt at my lowest, he would pick me back up with a tale or two and keep my spirits lifted. If I had it my way Varric would never suffer, never feel loneliness, but I could see it in his eyes some days, how much he missed Kirkwall. How much he missed all his old friends gathered together at the Hanged Man for a game of Wicked Grace, how much he missed their laughter and that one moment in the day they would all get along, be the family he’s always wanted.

The least I could do was give him that, give him those days back, it may not be the same people but the love is still there. We all still love Varric, and I hope that never ends, he deserves it.

 

_(Ending with Scarlett being crowned queen, leaving her kingdom, then becoming Inquisitor to come. Sorry!)_

 


End file.
